I wait for the weekend during the whole week. My hopes, that I will manage to catch up on all the things, that make me happy, are always high. My blogging, my reading, my yoga. And usually it is the same scenario: on Fridays I feel tired, on Saturdays I hurry to do chores, so that I can enjoy the rest of the weekend with clean conscience. Before I know it, Saturday is almost over, I am tired from the cleaning, cooking, and similar activities, and all I have left is Sunday.
Sunday is a completely different story. If we look objectively, it is one whole free day, right?
I could wholeheartedly enjoy it. I could do the things, I love, in order to charge myself with positive energy! I have hours and hours for reading, unrolling my yoga mat, writing posts, etc.
And yet, I usually feel crippled by sadness on a Sunday. My anxiety won't let me enjoy a whole day of free time to do whatever I crave for. I do seem to function and execute actions, but inside my heart feels broken. All I can think of is, that Sunday is the day before Monday, when the week starts all over again. And, when again, I wait for the weekend to come. A vicious circle!
I don't understand the nature of my Sunday (afternoon) blues. I actually feel blue through the whole day, but the more the day proceeds, the sadder I become. And Sunday afternoon blues are not something new in my life. I remember having them since my secondary school years. May be school scared me to a point of physical dread. May be my underlying anxiety (which I discovered having only at age of 30+) was the reason, that I wanted to cry every Sunday afternoon. I dreaded going back to school to such point, that I hated every show or cartoon aired on TV on Sunday afternoon/evening. I associated them with school.
I only now realize, that the things I feared, were all social situations where I needed to perform in front of public. Written exams never bothered me, but having to go in front of the class and be tested on my knowledge, or participate in a discussion, or simply socialize, made my stomach tie into a knot. Social phobia went along with my anxiety, but I was sure, that I was simply shy. And blamed myself for the way I were.
Now, with the distance of time and experience, I clearly understand the reasons behind my behavior then and now, but this still doesn't help with the way I feel. The difference is, that I am well aware of my condition and its symptoms, but I haven't reached the point yet, where I can fully control it.
So Sunday afternoon blues continue to be part of my life, long after I have graduated not only school, but university too. Every Sunday I feel as if I am to be tested the next day. I feel as if I have loads of homework, that I forgot to do. I feel real fear, that I am not supposed to feel as an adult in this situation.
Another Monday comes, and another week starts more or less smoothly, and I tell myself, that there is nothing to be feared or feel so depressed about. And I promise myself the coming Sunday to be different. But it isn't. It never is. The same story of sadness, worry, depression and fears, repeats itself over and over.
I am fully aware, that this indicates the need for deeper internal work. It indicates the need for changes in my life overall. And this, on the other hand, brings more fear. As unhappy as I might be in my job situation, I am even more scared of stepping outside of it and changing it.
Because it has been decades of hiding and fears. It is the pattern I know. And my Sunday afternoon blues are more than simple feeling of sadness. I believe, they will be there until internal shift takes place. Until excitement comes in the place of fear.
Will I be able to do it? I honestly don't know. I can only hope, that each small step I make daily, will be like the cut of a chisel, that will eventually shape my timid being into what it was supposed initially to be. Confident and courageous.
Until then....I am left with my Sunday afternoon blues. To remind me, that things can be different.
Thank you for reading! ~ Namaste ♥
Sunday is a completely different story. If we look objectively, it is one whole free day, right?
I could wholeheartedly enjoy it. I could do the things, I love, in order to charge myself with positive energy! I have hours and hours for reading, unrolling my yoga mat, writing posts, etc.
And yet, I usually feel crippled by sadness on a Sunday. My anxiety won't let me enjoy a whole day of free time to do whatever I crave for. I do seem to function and execute actions, but inside my heart feels broken. All I can think of is, that Sunday is the day before Monday, when the week starts all over again. And, when again, I wait for the weekend to come. A vicious circle!
I don't understand the nature of my Sunday (afternoon) blues. I actually feel blue through the whole day, but the more the day proceeds, the sadder I become. And Sunday afternoon blues are not something new in my life. I remember having them since my secondary school years. May be school scared me to a point of physical dread. May be my underlying anxiety (which I discovered having only at age of 30+) was the reason, that I wanted to cry every Sunday afternoon. I dreaded going back to school to such point, that I hated every show or cartoon aired on TV on Sunday afternoon/evening. I associated them with school.
I only now realize, that the things I feared, were all social situations where I needed to perform in front of public. Written exams never bothered me, but having to go in front of the class and be tested on my knowledge, or participate in a discussion, or simply socialize, made my stomach tie into a knot. Social phobia went along with my anxiety, but I was sure, that I was simply shy. And blamed myself for the way I were.
Now, with the distance of time and experience, I clearly understand the reasons behind my behavior then and now, but this still doesn't help with the way I feel. The difference is, that I am well aware of my condition and its symptoms, but I haven't reached the point yet, where I can fully control it.
So Sunday afternoon blues continue to be part of my life, long after I have graduated not only school, but university too. Every Sunday I feel as if I am to be tested the next day. I feel as if I have loads of homework, that I forgot to do. I feel real fear, that I am not supposed to feel as an adult in this situation.
Another Monday comes, and another week starts more or less smoothly, and I tell myself, that there is nothing to be feared or feel so depressed about. And I promise myself the coming Sunday to be different. But it isn't. It never is. The same story of sadness, worry, depression and fears, repeats itself over and over.
I am fully aware, that this indicates the need for deeper internal work. It indicates the need for changes in my life overall. And this, on the other hand, brings more fear. As unhappy as I might be in my job situation, I am even more scared of stepping outside of it and changing it.
Because it has been decades of hiding and fears. It is the pattern I know. And my Sunday afternoon blues are more than simple feeling of sadness. I believe, they will be there until internal shift takes place. Until excitement comes in the place of fear.
Will I be able to do it? I honestly don't know. I can only hope, that each small step I make daily, will be like the cut of a chisel, that will eventually shape my timid being into what it was supposed initially to be. Confident and courageous.
Until then....I am left with my Sunday afternoon blues. To remind me, that things can be different.
Thank you for reading! ~ Namaste ♥
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Life moments